Saturday, June 6, 2015

A Way With Words

Dad: Can you pick up some Caladryl lotion at Walgreens while you're out?

Danielle: Okay, but you really should go to Patient First if your poison oak isn't clearing up. They'll be able to subscribe you something stronger.

Dad: Prescribe.

Danielle: That's what I meant!

*Waits a beat*

Danielle: Geez, that's pretty ironic that you're correcting my misspeaking, coming from you, Mr. Malatrope.

Dad: What?

Danielle: Because you flip your words around all the time.

Dad: What's a malatrope?

Danielle: It's when you say the wrong word, or say the word only slightly wrong.

*Lightbulb goes off in her head.*

Danielle: AHHHH! I MEANT MALAPROP. Mr. Malaprop.

Dad: So you were saying the wrong word all along?

Danielle: I meant to do that. I was being ironic.

Dad: Right....

Friday, June 5, 2015

Online Dating Pet Peeves II, #26-38

Last month I posted twenty-five online dating pet peeves. I've been slogging through terrible (just terrible!) profiles and even a couple of awkward dates (I met a guy who suddenly, in the  middle of the date reminded me of Buster from Arrested Development and so I was done) just for you people. I hope you're happy.

(No, seriously...the fodder for the blog is what propels me forward in this process at the moment. Not the possibility of meeting the perfect guy*.)

#26: Ridiculous User Names**

Need I say more? Okay. One more:


#27: Setting your radius for your matches at silly distances, like 5 miles. If you haven't found someone in your five mile radius in real life, what makes you think you're going to come across them in online life? Also, physical proximity does not equal a match made in heaven.

#28: Starting your profile off with something like "I'm a pretty average guy..."
1) What does that even mean? 2) Why would that make you attractive to me or any woman? Who wants "average"? 3) Didn't your English teacher teach you about writing a hook at the beginning of an essay?

#29: Writing what is clearly a "form" email/message. I get that maybe you've written a lot of women (which, when you stop and think about it doesn't speak well in your favor, does it?)...but try to at least make it sound like this isn't the 100th time you've messaged someone the same exact thing - say something that lets me know you've actually read my profile. I've was messaged by the same exact guy with the same exact form month later and a profile picture change on my part. I'm not even going to be polite and send the little "No Thanks" message, because that's ridiculous.

#30: Starting off your message with "Hey there, beautiful" or "I just have to say, you are gorgeous." Um...okay? I don't know how to respond to that. Mostly it just weirds me out. Tell me I'm beautiful in person, after a few dates. Maybe that's just me, but I think it's silly to start a conversation with the physical. I'm more interested in your character, and I would hope you are more interested in mine. Beauty, even dazzling beauty such as mine, fades, fellas. I'm not saying I don't judge people based on their profile pictures (see #33)...but it's not as important as what you have actually said in your profile (to me - I realize there are women out there who want to know your bicep's circumference and see your chiseled abs).

#31: Claiming to be "active." Every guy is "active" and wants an "active" girl. Of course, no one is going to admit to being a couch potato, or wanting a couch potato in a mate. But the "I'm interested in clean eating and I'm active" drives me nuts. All these people claim to be soooooooo active, but are they r e a l l y? Aren't they r e a l l y just at home watching Netflix on a weeknight, instead the eight-mile run they claim to be doing?

#32: Selfies in the mirror with your cellphone. I personally find something pathetic about this. We live in a day and age of selfies - I take selfies - we all take selfies! - and my profile picture is a selfie (which ruled me out for the guy who "hates selfies" on his laundry list of traits a woman - a gal - should have). But you couldn't find a better picture than standing in your bathroom mirror and taking a picture? This perplexes and saddens me.

#33: Terrible profile pictures in general. Okay, I know I'm treading on treacherous, potentially mean-spirited ground, but if you are not super attractive you can still have a decent picture. Or, if you are attractive you can take a bad picture. There are some terrible - just terrible - profile pictures out there. I mean, pictures that make you wonder whether or not the other person is...mentally all there. If you have friends - and lets hope you have friends - ask them to either pick out a good picture of you or take a picture of you. Have a photo shoot or something - but do not post the weird candid shot of you eating a piece of cake or looking cross-eyed at something. I try really, really, really hard not to judge people based on appearance, as mentioned above, but I think your actual profile picture choice says a lot about you. The choice that you made does influence, for better or for worse, the people who are looking at it. So, even though it's not right to judge a book by its cover...we all do it. So, work the system and at least post a relatively good picture. I'm not saying this to be mean...I'm saying this to be helpful.

(So many of these men's profiles...honestly I want to write them and give them little tips or something - not because I'm interested in them, but that I just can't understand how anyone could be interested in the little or the pompous or the dreadful or the ungrammatical tripe they write on their profiles. Can I become an online dating profile coach/consultant??)

#34: Backhanded compliments.
One guy told me that my profile was "refreshingly blunt and assertive."


*cries herself to sleep that night*

*Sarcasm Sign*

#35: Stating: "I'm pretty much an open book. Feel free to ask me anything." So. Many. Guys. Say. This.

The annoying thing is that the guys who are saying this typically have very little on their profiles. I have nothing to ask other than: "Why were you so lazy that you couldn't even string together 100 well-spoken words to try and attract a date?"

#36: Impossibly brief "messages." Here's a sampling of the few that I've received:

"hi how are you"

(no punctuation)


(no punctuation)

And the best so far:

"Hello hello there???"

#37: Admitting that you don't read. Some guy's profile read: "I haven't really read any books ever, but I recently read the Bible."

Okay, great - you've read the Bible. Am I supposed to be impressed? I mean, of course I love the Bible. It's a great read and I would hope that as a Christian, especially, that you've read it.

But if that's the only book you've read...? (Does the Bible count as 66 books?)

Read a few more books, and then get back to me. Sheesh.

And last, but oh, certainly not least:

#38: Loves Jesus. Also loves Pot.
The way he phrased it was something like "I believe I can follow the Lord and also have a love for THAT PLANT. You'll have to ask me my reasoning for how I can be a Christian and use THAT PLANT."

(This one I got from a friend and I'm pretty sure it was the best thing I heard all year.)

*Yes, duh, I know there is no such thing as The Perfect Guy.
**Don't worry - I modified these user names slightly to protect their privacy.